I’ve been debating how to write this post for some weeks now, or even whether I should write it but after some debate, I’ve decided it’s probably best that I do so. Mainly in form of an update as it's been some time since the last post.
At the end of January, the care I was receiving broke down. I won’t go into the ins and outs but following this, my mental health took a hit, which is totally understandable. I had a considerable meltdown and reverted to old ways and old coping strategies which were scary. It had been well over 250 days since my last self-harm episode. I was also gutted as I had broken such a long streak of doing so well, sometimes and this is one thing I have learned along the way, old coping strategies which can be negative sometimes are just inevitable no matter how much you try to prevent them.
By the beginning of March, I was gradually improving. In a meeting with professionals, I was given just 6 weeks’ notice to find a different care company. Once again, I had been rejected, not only had I felt rejected I felt my world was crumbling around me. Through a decision I made, in order to protect myself, I reduced my care hours from 24hrs a day to just 8 hrs a day. At first, it was going well; I was really proud of myself I was living more independently and managing to balance numerous “hypothetical plates” as well as dealing with all the emotions that were going on in my head. I felt this was a massive achievement.
But soon things began to change and the realization of what was happening began to hit me hard. I started to become emotional and feel lonely in the hours I did not have support. My energy levels began to deplete due to my routine being disrupted, I was not sleeping great, my bedtime would become later and later each night and I started sleeping more in the day. The stress of all this caused a massive Crohn's flare. I was constantly attending A+E, the fatigue from the flare was real I had no energy I was in constant pain and I eventually ended up needing emergency surgery. After which I returned to my mum and dad's where I spent a month recuperating and healing.
I gradually started to get well again, my bedtime became more normal and my energy levels increased. It was at this point I began to be able to sort out everything that had gone wrong and look at my future care.
I had many meetings with professionals and I met my new care provider. on Monday I moved back home with 24hr care in place.
It’s been a long journey; it’s been really hard to keep on fighting and facing the reality: that sometimes things don’t always work out as planned. That life throws us unexpected curveballs, that we have to keep on fighting through, that giving up is not an option, no matter how hard things seem we have to continue to fight the good fight.
I am sad things never worked out. That I have lost some really good people, who really cared for me over the past year. I’m angry and upset that what has happened has happened.
When my original care provider left there were many things left unsaid, so many questions left unanswered, not even a goodbye.
It’s hard to express how truly devastated I feel about everything breaking down. How shocked I feel, how betrayed and hurt I feel. The wealth of emotions I’ve felt over the past few weeks has been truly overwhelming but thankfully now I am in a much better place, in which I can process everything that has happened. I know it’s going to take me a long time to get over this as life experiences are hard to forget.
But I know that what will remain are the good times I’ve had with the care company and all the positive experiences throughout my first year in the community. I have achieved so much in the last 18 months of my life; I have become much more independent. I continue to develop and find my feet in the community. I still have my own safe haven, that I have made my own and things are really not as bad as they may seem.
This blip is just the beginning of the rest of my journey. I have chosen a new path which I know at first is going to be difficult. It’s a new transition process, meeting a new staff team and getting to know everyone and them getting to know me and my traits how they can help me through and help me to continue my journey.
But finally, for the first time in a few months, I am feeling much brighter, more energized, and can see the light at the end of this transition.
For now, I will leave you with a short poem reflecting my hope for the future:
I turn the page
A new chapter
Is just beginning
Starting anew is hard
Closing the doors is sad
But sometimes change is what is needed
It’s just the beginning
Not the ending;