Over the past years, Christmas has been a really unpredictable time for me. Living within inpatient services has made it extremely difficult to enjoy the festive period, for many reasons and I want to air out some of the reasons, so you can all have a bit of understanding why Christmas this year will be extra special for me and why I am so excited.
Being in an inpatient ward can be highly unpredictable, there is no certainty within your day to day life, there are many factors that influence the environment and your recovery progress. For me Christmas has been the most difficult period for many years, being autistic I do not like change and uncertainty I find this hard to manage. The wards can be unpredictable on a daily basis but at Christmas time it seems to be much more heightened.
home leave or no home leave
One of the uncertainties i faced every Christmas was, if I would be able to get leave to go home to my family. On many of the wards this would depend on my behaviour and level of risk, leading up to the date of my planned homeleave. This was hard because of the restrictions and pressure this put on me, especially as I did not want to disappoint the family. the wards were always so loud and the atmosphere was so hard to deal with, often I would end up overloaded as there was too much going on. This would cause me to meltdown, i felt like I always had to hide this and not meltdown or I would loose my leave entirely, this was hard and I always put a lot of pressure on myself to get through the hard days. I never truly believed I had my leave and it was going to happen until the minute I stepped foot through my mum and dads front door. Even then it was such a relief that I wanted to unmask but felt I couldn't as was worried I would explode and mess everything up, so I would continue to mask and often within the first week of new year would have a total meltdown.
Christmas decorations
Some wards I have been on have not allowed Christmas decorations as they pose a risk and this has lead to feeling extremely unfestive. This is so hard as you know everyone on the outside is feeling really excited and joining in festivities yet there is often no sign of Christmas apart from a couple of festive events the ward organizes.Even then you would have to be ok to attend and have your section 17 leave written up. The staff really did try to help us feel festive. I remember one year having a conversation with a member of staff telling her that I've bought all these presents but what's the point in wrapping them. when: A) I am not allowed to use scissors and sellotape as they are contraband items B) I don't feel festive and C) I probably won't be able to go home. I had lost all faith in festivities my hope had disappeared and I was feeling rather scrooge-like. The next day this staff member walked into my room with festive CD's and all the equipment required to wrap presents. She had even gone to the effort of buying non-alcholic mulled wine and dressed as an elf. This small act of kindness really lifted my spirits and I began to get excited for Christmas and feel hopeful about going home, for the next 2 hours we wrapped presents drank non-alchoholic mulled wine and danced around the room blasting our favorite Christmas songs. We took a trip down memory lane remembering previous Christmases from when we were younger and chatted about our family traditions. This really comforted me and helped me to feel festive Another fond memory I have is from when I was in a CAMHS inpatient unit and we were all helping to put up the tree. It was the youngest patients job to place the star at the top of tree, I was the youngest so I was really excited as this had always been my job at home. I climbed on a chair to place the star but clumsy old me fell off the chair.
I suppose you can say that I've been pretty lucky in the sense that throughout my inpatient days I've managed to get home for every Christmas but one Christmas I did't make it home. It was pretty special but I do live with regrets about that Christmas as it was the last Christmas I could've spent with my grandad and the last Christmas my family could've spent with him too, but instead my family came to me, they booked a log cabin near the hospital I was in and I spent six hours with them each day for 2 days. It was pretty magical considering how glum i was feeling and how low my mental health was at the time. The log cabin had a hot tub in it which was weird sitting in a hot tub on Christmas day but there is a first for everything right ! We went on a lovely frosty long walk on boxing day, it was so nice to be one with nature after months spent in seclusion. I was pretty lucky that I managed to get day leave to spend with my family and the week before Christmas day I was able to go to the local town to buy presents for my family. This was such a special moment as I had not been outside for months, it was very overwhelming but I pushed through. I remember feeling so ungrateful at this time I was really angry, angry I could't be at home with all the family and I really did not feel festive at all. This was my first Christmas when was't at home it was very grim. I look back at this Christmas and think why did I feel so ungrateful about no home leave, yes I may not of spent my grandads last Christmas with him but everyone tried so hard to make it special and it was special even at my low point it created memories that last lifetime I mean how many people can say they spent Christmas day in a hottub i will always be grateful to the people that made this possible.
aftermaths and endings
another part of Christmas I have always struggled to comprehend is the end and I know everyone gets the January blues but endings for me are hard especially when in inpatients services this is partially because I would get a few days at home and become comfortable with the peace and the way of life at home only to be brought back down to earth with having to return to the unit this was always really difficult because I never knew what I would return to and I always knew I would become low in mood over the first few weeks of going back I would miss my family and always felt angry because I had been given a taste of freedom but was unable to pursue it and I felt trapped and locked away from the real world I would have to get used to all the restrictions that I did not have at home and I felt controlled and out of control at the same time because I no longer had control of my surroundings and what I could and could not do it used to really stress me out this along with masking in the lead up to homeleave and having to celebrate a new year with very little optimism and hope and a clear end to such an exciting period eventually would lead to a full blown meltdown a dip in my mental health and essentially a blip which would lead me backwards until I could once again take control
Hold your reindeer's guys more Christmas content on its way
find out why 2020 will be different and why I am so excited