”If nothing ever changed, there would be no such things as butterflies.”

Today I realised I feel whole I feel whole because I understand me, I understand my autism in ways I never thought I would. I am learning to love myself and feel confident with who I actually am, I am not trying to be some other being which is so much easier than masking I live in the moment I feel my emotions and I am accepting life.

Living like this is so much better I’m not faking I feel true and I can confidently say that I do love myself. I love the butterfly that I have enveloped into over the last year. I came to this specialist autism unit a tiny cocoon and slowly but surely with lots of help and support I developed into a caterpillar. In the last few months that caterpillar has grown and is transforming into the most beautiful butterfly who will slowly over the next few months learn to fly and spread her wings I will be ready for the community yes its big its scary and overwhelming but with the skills I have learned here and with all the love and support and actual care i strongly believe that I will fly

I will join the community and fend for myself ,in ways which I never thought I would be able to .If someone had said to me a year ago, which they did you will be in the community this time next year I would never of believed them and I kind of didn’t think it would ever happen. After years of being locked up in inpatient settings under the constraints of a section 3 I came to believe that I would never have a life that I would be stuck in these settings forever.

No amount of persuasion would be enough to ever convince me otherwise even the love I had for my family and my families love for me was not enough I began to believe this would be my destiny . After the trauma I went through I believed I deserved it that this was my life I would never be free, I would never be independent .What I did not realise is what I was subjected to was restrictions and restrictive practice which infringed my human rights and were quite literally being used as punishment but for what being autistic having mental health issues .

Slowly over the last year I have gained enough trust with my support staff to realise that I did in fact deserve better. I deserved the world and they were going to give me the world, a very scary concept but one I was willing to take even if I was sceptical about the idea (I mean who wouldn’t be) it has taken a lot of hard work, its not been easy I have had my moments but all in all I have a great time discovering me .I am still on section but that has not stopped me integrating into the community, it has not restricted me in ways it had done before I used to stay in bed all day when I first arrived I had no routine and would stay awake late into the night. I didn’t care about myself or much about my environment. Staff have taught me how to build a balanced routine incorporating personal care room cleans laundry my crafting which was a massive restriction in all my last places and van slots which have allowed me to access the community. Something which I love it makes me feel free and has helped me realise there is a life outside of hospital. I now volunteer for the children’s society once weekly and attend a cake dec course on a Wednesday evening which I love I can be so creative and it allows me to develop skills I will need for my future I also have a social life now something which was non existent when I was sat secluded in a cell in rip proofs .

I have come along way in a year .I have created a new identity a new personality a personality which has not shone through since I was about 10 .Something which I was longing for ,for so long so many people have asked me over the year what does happiness feel like . I have never truly known what to say. I used to say back when I was little with no cares in the world but I have come to realise as an adult I will never live with no care in the world that was something only a child could manage .But what I have come to realise though is that I now have the skills and cognitive ability to deal with life as an adult and really that’s all I ever wanted, not a million different diagnosis’s mental health this mental health that just skills to manage me, skills to help me manage my autism ,to understand my autism and my processing difficulties not label after label that deemed me to unfit to live in the world. That made me believe I was not good enough that I would always be confined to inpatient care. I will never be neurotypical I am autistic but that doesn’t mean I will not manage in the community because with the right skills , knowledge and strategies in place an autistic can ultimately fit into a neurotypical world . we all have the potential to become a butterfly we just need the right help and support

#autism