When lockdown first happened I experienced lots of different thoughts and emotions as documented in the following link an article ,which I wrote for the restraint reduction network https://restraintreductionnetwork.org/uncategorized/together-we-can-get-through-this-difficult-period-my-experience-of-life-in-lock-down/?utm_source=Twitter&utm_medium=social&utm_campaign=SocialSignIn
I had just been discharged into the community after spending a lengthy period within inpatient services. I had worked tirelessly with my support network to build and shape a routine which would allow me to thrive. I was working on getting to know my new area and becoming independent enough to access the community without support. All of this was put on a temporary hold when lockdown happened, it was truly disheartening I was left feeling empty, hurt angry and lost. At first, I was in denial I refused to admit what was going on and tried to carry on, then on the 23rd march the UK was put in full lockdown. I could no longer deny what was actually going on, but I still did not want to accept that the freedom I had worked so hard for, was going to be taken away. This was not at my own fault; everyone was experiencing this situation I suppose this provided some comfort. I had an advantage I lived for years with restrictions, without being able to just go out and about so I knew how to live through this situation. I also recall feeling that all my thoughts and emotions around spending years being restricted, were finally validated by the public. That everyone finally knew that not only myself but others who have been in inpatient services were finally being listened to.
Throughout lockdown I forged a new routine, a routine that became very comforting, throughout the difficult times that followed. Something which became stable that I could focus on and rely on, I made sure this routine was productive active and engaging and that I factored in time for me. Each day I would have my hours walk outside around the marina, it would remind me to stay strong and be appreciative of what I have gained over the last year. It would also help me to burn off any extra energy I had in my system. Sundays were my days to face the full outside world, to do my weekly food shop. In April I added a little extra to my routine by being invited to join speak up self-advocacy .This defiantly gave me purpose as there would be a zoom meeting every day and other activities such as quizzes and yoga throughout the week .I honestly believe this saved me from crisis along with the amazing support of Orbis and CNTW community team. I felt safe with this new routine, I began to love it and the days spent in lockdown became much easier.
Fast forward to July and August – we are beginning to come out of lockdown and with this comes many more thoughts and emotions. If I am honest, I have taken it rather well, I don’t think I feel as anxious as others about the whole COVID19 risks (not sure if I should be worried about this), I guess I have always struggled to fully grasp risk and severity levels. At first returning to my voluntary work with st Oswald’s was anxiety provoking, I was scared about picking up COVID but not only that it was a different routine that I knew would take its toll after a few weeks. As like most people throughout lockdown, I was used to very little contact with the outside world, zoom and social media had become my main source of working and socialising and I would only really do a once weekly food shop. Going back to voluntary work was the push that I needed it came at the right time. I think if I had spent any longer in lockdown mode my mental health would have dipped. I seem to have taken this in my stride and thrown myself back into figuring out the community, although in the last few weeks it has taken its toll. I am much more fatigued and I lost motivation for a few weeks but I can 100% understand why this is
A) my crohns has flared which is not surprising having had emergency surgery to remove my gallbladder in June
B) being autistic I have been overwhelmed by the amount of processing I have needed to do to be able to function. I have had to rearrange all my routines even the ones I had created in lockdown. Which had actually become rather comforting, I am feeling a sense of loss now that these routines have been broken but I am slowly coming around to the new normality. I am still able to incorporate parts of my lockdown routine into my daily living.
C) I guess I’ve been so eager to return to normality that I haven’t actually thought about myself and I’ve not taken time out for myself. This is something which I rely on to be able to self-regulate to process and to soothe my overstimulated senses.
D) Being in the community is still new to me and I am slowly navigating the joys of life in the community. I am trying to fit fun things around my daily living tasks. I am slowly learning that sometimes I need a day in the house to be able to do all the housework and manage my mood, it is hard for me to accept that I don’t always have to be busy. Throughout hospital life I was denied so much and restricted on what I was able to do, that sometimes staying in the house is hard. I feel like I need to make the most of the time by filling it with activities, when really, I don’t, I am allowed downtime and days where I literally do nothing. Being institutionalised for so long, I am engrained to think I always need to be on the go. I feel extremely guilty when I have nothing days but I am slowly learning to accept nothing days and embrace them.
I generally feel that I have and I am coping reasonably well with all the new changes that are currently happening, within my own life and around me. I know that the next few weeks are going to be testing for me but I am so excited. I start college next week to do my level 2 catering, this is something I have wanted to do since I achieved my level 1 back in 2012 this will open so many doors for opportunity. I am excited about starting college but also anxious, it will be a new experience and will be challenging but I am ready for the challenge, ready to branch out and achieve a dream I have yearned for, for so long.